Fading Confidence

I feel like each day that I stand up in front of the class, I do a worse job than the day before. I'm sure that's a pretty warped perception, because my first day probably wasn't all that great, but the more I think about trying to fix the mistakes I made the day before, the more likely I am to make different mistakes.

On the plus side, I finally seem to have learned to close the door when the bell rings and turn of the lights when I use the overhead. Those seem so silly and obvious, but it took me 3-4 lessons to remember them. I still have trouble with using the overhead though. It seems like everytime I use it the kids can't see it. Either it's down too low, or whatever I've put on it is too small. The down too low thing I can fix if I realize it while I'm up there (which sometimes I don't) and it also creates a discipline problem when kids will yell out that it's down too low and then I have to give them a warning for talking out of turn, when really they're trying to help me out. The too small thing is just not something I understand. When I look at the overhead, it looks fine on the screen, even from the back of the room, but the kids can't see it and my second years have commented on it being too small.... It's not that big of a deal, I can write bigger on the transparency and life will be fine...but why is my judgement so far off? Why can't I see what they see?

It's wierd, silly stuff like that that drains my confidence. Also, having 4 other adults in the room isn't very comforting either. If I mispronounce a word in a French lesson, I have 3 other people in the room who know it. If I make an English mistake, I have 4 other people who know it. If I make a teaching mistake, I have 4 other people in my room plus anyone who happens to be observing. I can fool the kids into thinking I'm omnipotent, but I know I have to look the adults in the eye after class and discuss every mistake I've made.

I'm sure I'm fine. I'm sure I'm being too hard on myself, but I feel really overwhelmed and not very sucessful at this. My videotaped lesson has been sitting at home since Friday, because I'm afraid to watch it.

My consolation through all of this is that it may pass. I remember when I arrived in the Philippines and wanted nothing more than to get back on that plane and come home, but I stuck it out, and I loved it. I'm hoping that these are just growing pains, that one day I will wake up and MTC will be fun and I will feel competent. I'm also hoping that day will be tomorrow :)