A break in the clouds?

I've been scared to post...scared I might jinx it....but this week, I think I'm happy. Nothing has changed (I know I was talking to some other people about this Monday), and yet I feel a million times better. I can recognize things now. I feel more capable dealing with the students. I feel slightly more capable as a teacher. I don't question myself as much. Kids act up, but it doesn't bother me as much anymore.

Most of my kids have failing grades in my class right now. This is entirely due to zeros (not turning in assignments). I took a few aside and talked to them today. First test tomorrow. I hope they don't all bomb it. I gave them a review sheet, but who knows if that will help. I am required (district policy) to count test grades as 70% of their grades.

They seem to think if they all fail the quizzes (open-note to check if they did the homework), then the quizzes won't count. They are sorely mistaken, and I don't know how to convince them of that before official midterm or even nineweeks grades. The few that do their work have close to 100s in my class. Part of it is also learning to take notes and pick out the important part of what they read. I figure, after they take a quiz a day on the notes, they'll start to understand what's important out of the textbook...I try to explain it every now and then, too, but it's just something they're going to have to learn.

I have a huge number of absences/medical leave/etc. I have one girl enrolled in my class who has a home teacher that comes and gets her assignments and then teaches her twice a week and administers her tests. I give her her grades, but I've never even met her. I got 3 new students today and still have about 7-8 on my roster that are "enrolled" (supposed to be coming) that I've never met.

Tomorrow should be a dream. My testing procedures are on my board. How to head/number your paper is on my board. The homework to start after you turn in your test is on the board. There are color coded signs for where to turn in the test and the answer sheet. All I have to do is get them started, watch for cheaters, answer questions, and grade papers (I hope). Is there something I'm missing about test days? Thursday might be a little rough since the test is only 36 questions and some will finish that in about 40 minutes and have to work on homework for 45 (but the assignment is pretty lengthy and shouldn't be a problem). But Friday is pep-rally day, so there will be a lot less time left over. I just hope fourth period on Friday has enough time to finish their tests. Especially the cheerleaders/band/dance team. If lunch doesn't run late then they should have at least 45 min and those kids are usually a little faster...I wonder if the football team leaves early for the pep-rallies? I didn't have football kids on A-day, but this week is B-day. Maybe I should check with the coach.

bl;kansdofinasopidnfoinag

I've been trying to post on here for a few days now, but seem to lack the capabilities to put my experiences into words. I feel like all day long I'm trying to put complex concepts and situations into black and white terms (office referrals, parent calls, lectures to my kids) and lack of sleep and general stress about the fact that I can't focus on any one thing for more than 30 seconds is making it come out as mush.

Yesterday was ok. Then on the way home, my bag fell over in the car and some coffee remnants spilled all over my bag. Luckily it wasn't much. It did get the edge of my gradebook and some kid's essays though. I got a new gradebook (haven't written anything in it yet, anyway....still using xerox copies of my roll because new kids are added every day)....the kids papers aren't terribly noticable, but I feel horrible about it. Can I blame it on the dog or something?

Ok....so my husband came in and asked me some question about dinner while I was typing that and I just started to cry....because he asked me about dinner. I can't have 5 minutes of work without someone interrupting me. At school, I can't grade papers or lesson plan because the kids are there and I constantly have to watch them, reprimand them, answer stupid questions (Like "Do we have to write the question?" when I've told them NO and at the top of the page it says DO NOT WRITE THE QUESTION in capital letters). I can't focus on anything. It takes me longer to get everything done, because I can't focus....so then I get less sleep....and can't focus because I'm tired....

This week is 400 times better than the last two weeks...it gets better every day. Today I reached a few kids....the ones on the edge....the ones you can tell will probably be discipline problems, but are actually smart....3 of them saw me believe in them today, so for one day they believed in me and actually learned instead of cutting up. Of course, I was focused on one of them in one period and let some things slide on the other side of the room (note passing, etc.) because I was so excited to have this one kid INTERESTED and asking questions about Cortez, Pizarro, the slave trade in the 1500s.... All I can hope is that I won an ally today. He's huge (football player) and popular and if he's engaged, that could cut down a lot of the problems in that class.

My class has turned into a study hall. I'm trying desperately to give a test next Friday (first test), but I'm issuing books tomorrow (actually, I'm still debating that because I'm still 12 books short....what will I do when I get to my last class?), but up until this point, they've been doing their homework in class. Today became....Ok, let's finish up section 1 (sample of how to do 2 column notes) Ok, now Read the section, write 2 column notes....this takes about 45 minutes per section. My class became Do Now, Quiz, lecture on section 1/2 column notes, sit and pretend to work for 45 min-1 hr. It takes them 45 min because they've never done them before. After 15min 2/3 of the class has quit, but others are still working. Today people complained about the quiz (ALL DAY) because they "didn't have time to do the work and couldn't take the book home". They had 45 minutes on Tuesday. One girl who threw a fit about that today, then refused to do her 2 column notes. I got her to quit doing work for another class and made her get her book out, but then she just sat and stared at me for 45 minutes. She'll get a zero on Monday's quiz and the cycle will start again.

The point of this rant is that I have to figure out what I'm doing tomorrow....I'm going to go over sections 1-2, which will take about 30 min (and the do now/quiz will take about 15)...I want the kids to learn that they have to do the notes before I lecture, so should I then make them do two column notes AGAIN for 45 minutes? My class is becoming study hall. I don't want to skip the 2c notes because they will be required to do them as homework for every other chapter. Also, they need the practice. Tomorrow is also Pep Rally day and I'm not sure I have the energy to force 4th block to work on 2c notes.....

Working 9 to 5

Towards the end of last week I started to do what I should have done the first week. Crack down, send kids to the office, hand out detentions. It's under control, but it's still not enjoyable. I can do it....but do I really want to? I'd never leave in the middle of the school year, but I find myself counting the days until Christmas (and it's only the second week!) and then the second semester.

It is strange how great it feels to have kids silently working in your room, even if you had to turn into the devil to make it happen. I'm still having trouble with kids names, which is the ultimate classroom management no-no, but I know enough now that I can kinda wing it. I'm just bad with names! One kid I sent to the office on Friday is really mad at me. He thinks I was unfair (and I kind of have to agree with him), but he was argueing with me in front of the class at the beginning of the period (because his desk doesn't have a basket underneath--I told him he could move for the day or I'd switch it after school)...I took him out in the hall to calm him down, because this was obviously not about the desk....I explained that he can't talk to me like that because it's disrespectful and if he has a problem like that he should talk to me privately. He calmed down some and we went back in. Suddenly Miss ISS (newly back) frantically raises her hand (without shouting though, thank god, I must have broken them of that habit). I call on her..."THERES A ROACH" (boo for bug spray....asked them to spray for ants.....now have live cochroaches trying to escape). Told Miss ISS she could move to the other side of the room. Smashed the cochroach (about the size of a paperclip) with the stapler...laughing/talking/chaos ensues as Miss ISS makes a production of moving to the other side of the room. I tell her to move quickly....spin around to call out the first kid I see who's talking/laughing and instantly see Mr. Desk-basket. Tell him to stop talking and get to work. Instantly he starts telling me it's unfair, etc., etc.....I can feel control slipping away. I ask him to come out in the hall immediately and write him up (not very eloquently I might add). He thinks it's unfair that I sent him after 2 incidents...I think talking back is disrespectful and warrants instant action. I'm not sure I conveyed this well to him or the administration (although I clarified with the admin later). He came back with about 15 min left in the period and was fine, but when I saw him at lunch he said something as I passed and glared at me....He was my sacrificial lamb...

Also, my Student of the Week in 4th period behaved so badly that I changed my mind at the last minute and gave it to someone else. Once they do announcements in fourth period everyone starts talking and packing up....it's worse on fridays when we do student of the week, they applaud and ALL start talking. I'm awful because I let it slide.

I'd like to spend my Sunday at the grocery store, but instead I'm sitting here writing lesson plans (crappy lesson plans). I'm starting to realize that not having a 9-5 job for the past 3 years and then jumping into this was a little psychotic.

"Amat Amat lang"

That phrase means "just little by little" in Ilonggo. Today was A-day again. Around lunchtime I was actually happy! No major problems. I was doing Ok, but probably a little lax on discipline (we were doing an arts and crafts groupwork thing on the floor and there was a lot of chatter, but work was getting done and no one was out of control, so I let it slide...probably not right according to the powers that be, but I was enjoying evesdropping and getting to know my kids). Before we went to lunch I laid down the law about going to/from lunch. My class has been really loud in the hall and I'm embarrassed that we're disturbing other people's classes. I took my class roster with me to lunch and had no problems on the way down. Coming back up though, (surprise surprise) was loud and obnoxious. We made the obligatory bathroom stop and the other kids were too loud in the hall. Bathroom kids took too long. We started walking to the classroom and they were loud and yelling out my first name (I think I may have let that slip on an overhead of my family tree on B-day---which is wierd cause I was really freaked out about the kids knowing it in summer school....oh well). I told them it was unacceptable and made them go back to where we were standing and get quiet and walk again. Everytime, as soon as I looked away from any part of the line, that part started saying my name, "SHHHHHH", or "we're not going to get any marbles" (in a mocking way....not a serious way). I made them go back and repeat it and told them I would make them stay after the bell for every minute they wasted in the hallway. Finally we made it to the classroom (not completely quiet, but the bell was about to ring and it was close enough) and I made them sit. The bell rang almost immediately and I told them I wouldn't start the minute until everyone was quiet. Everyone was never really completely quiet, but I must have held them 3 minutes after the bell. I dismissed one side of the room first and one girl from the other side walked out. I couldn't find anyone to punish individually, because it was such a group thing....I should have picked a sacrificial lamb. I'm not even sure I know the girl's name who walked out (that's my largest class and today was only the 4th time I've seen them--and the one with 1 major discipline problem that takes up all my time). I'm thinking of making a blanket rule that talking coming back from lunch=morning detention, but I'm worried about enforcing it when I'm walking down the hallway. I guess I could take names and give the consequence when they get back to class, but there is no reason for them to hurry back other than that because there's only 10-15 minutes left in the period. Strangely enough, up until that point that class was angelic.

Fourth period was OK. The groupwork got kind of loud and people were milling around too much. I dealt with it pretty well, but I did have to give one girl detention right at the end because she had been shouting across the room and singing the whole period. I should have cracked down on that sooner.

I have a few simple ideas how to improve for B-day, but not a lot. The activity kind of requires a certain amount of casual-ness (sitting on the floor, getting up and getting supplies, talking to groupmates) and maybe wasn't a great start of the year activity, but they're making world maps, which are fun, educational, and look great in the classroom. On the plus side, the activity takes up the ENTIRE period (a couple of groups didn't finish) and I heard one student say that the period went by really fast, which I take as an indication that they enjoyed it and were busy.

Personally, I'm doing better. Not great, but better. Unfortunately that has to do with lowering my own standards of myself, but I think that may be a healthy thing. Every now and then when I look around the building at 5pm and everyone else is gone, now I think "I should go home" and "I can do this tomorrow". It means I'm not as prepared as I'd like to be, but it also means I'm sane, and I'm more prepared than the teachers that were out the door at 3:45 (brand new teachers!). My administration is great! We've had class lists since the Friday before school started and we distribute textbooks this week (I've had a class set since Friday). Our schedules should be set by the end of the week and they've been really considerate and they come by and check up on me every couple of days. I actually asked my vice-principal about the lunch thing today to try and get some advice and he was pretty cool about it. I haven't baked any cookies because sleep has been more important right now, but I make a point to speak to the custodian/secretaries/librarians every day. My overhead light blew on Friday and the librarian went out of her way to try and order me some bulbs and lent me the library projector in the meantime. I think what made it the hardest last week was that everyone was so supportive, I felt like everything that went wrong was my fault (and it was). But I'm just going to have to make mistakes...that's what new teachers do...and I'm just going to keep caring about the kids and doing the best I know how. I may not reach 100% of them 100% of the time (although I'm sure as heck going to try), but I'm doing my best and when I know how to do it better, I will.

Confessions

I didn't post anything on here until today because I have a confession to make...walking out of the school on Friday all I could do was try to come up with scenarios where I don't have to go back on Monday. I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm stuck. I'm not going to leave the school after only one week...although thoughts of leaving at the end of the year may get me through the school year. 4/6 classes are great. 2/6 make me want to go home and shoot myself in the foot, just so I won't ever have to see them again. This may not be what I'm supposed to say, but I'm being honest. They're also back to back and just after my planning period, so I spent my entire planning period dreading the rest of the day. It's so easy to say that you shouldn't care what they think about you, but when students are all you see for the majority of the daylight hours and all you do is work for them, having them glare at you, openly mock you in the hall, etc. is pretty depressing. If I look at it objectively, there are about 5-10 kids that are problems and everyone else is O.K. I think the part that gets me is that I don't feel like I've been handling those kids well. It's my fault they're acting this way. There's something I'm not doing with those classes that I am doing with every other class. I have a few ideas to try out this week. I hope they work, because last week sucked. Dex actually told me today that he loves the weekends because it's the first time he's seen me happy all week.

I feel O.K. today, but tomorrow I will wake up with a sense of dread in my stomach and if last week is any indication, it will just get worse day by day. On the plus side, I think I reached a few kids and my B-day classes seem to love me. Nothing major happened and I only had to talk to the vice-principal about one kid (and that's because he wasn't in my class when I knew he should be), so nothing major has happened in my room. I'm going to spend this afternoon trying to organize for the week and start planning next week (lesson plans due on thursday).

One day down.....

Sheer panic. That pretty much encompasses my whole day. Inevitably I'm overreacting, but it sure as hell wasn't easy, and I have a feeling it's just going to get harder. First block---longest 90 minutes of my life...good time management, bad class participation/interaction. Most of the students looked like they hold me personally responsible for ruining their summer vacation and would like nothing better than for me to drop dead right there. Can't say that I blame them. Reading the district handbook outloud is not fun. Rules and proceedures is not fun. My review of how to make a timeline was either WAY below them or they were pretending to be cool. 2nd block is my planning period. I thought about the food I wished I had. I thought about the cash I wished I had. I thought about the cigarette I wished I had. (My morning basically consisted of, "Oh SH**!! IT'S 7AM!!!!" It's a wierd thing I have about not being to wake up on mornings when I know it's going to be hard--same thing happened the first day of MTC) I tried not to think about the terror of upcoming third period. Third period was full of the same stares, but possibly a little better. I was wrapping up beautifully around 12:50 when they're supposed to come get us for lunch. No one came, so I decided to go ahead and give them the homework assignment so they could get started. The homework assignment came and went. It was 1:20. i peered out into the hall and saw people from WAY down the hall starting to go to lunch...hmmmm...kill some time. Went to my bookshelf and picked up a book. They like to be read to, right? Chose the children's book I have about the civil rights movement (actually more of a middle school book). I figured at least it was history related. BSed and introduction and began reading on page 1. Hmmmm....forgot this book was so depressing and really touching. Tried to make a point about why we need to know this stuff and that it wasn't that long ago. Talked a lot for the sake of listening to myself talk. At one point I looked over and saw a boy in the front row with a tear running down his cheek. Suddenly realized everyone in the room was stock still and hanging on my every word. Either they'll hate me cause I depressed them on the first day of school and made them cry or they'll think I inspired them (or it was all completely innappropriate and I'll be hearing about how I shouldn't be discussing these things)... Went to lunch...forgot my table number, had to borrow money from a co-teacher, got halfway through my food when the VP told me they were going to ring the bell for fourth period. Ran upstairs just as the bell rang. First half of fourth period 6 kids came in late from lunch and others came in to get their bags from my room. Beginning of fourth period was angelic and perfect, 6 new kids had missed my speil on rules and instantly changed the tenor of the classroom before I could go back over them. I gave a lot of hollow warnings today and no second consequences. I have lesson plans due thursday for next week and I don't even know what I'm doing this week. Tomorrow I have entirely different students because it's "B" day. Good news is: no lunch class.

The calm before the storm

In about 36 hours I will be standing in front of my first class of students. I'm SOOOOOOO not ready. My room is finally ready (or at least as ready as it's going to be), but I don't have a lesson plan for day 1, let alone the rest of the week. The days don't seem to have enough hours in them and I mostly get home and want to watch mindless TV (Simple life anyone?) so that I don't have to think anymore. I hope this is the most frightening part of this.....

I think I know what I plan to do. The first day we're required to read 30 pages of the district handbook to each class, so I think that will take up a major chunk of time. I also need to go over my class rules/consequences/etc. I have an info sheet for them to fill up when they come in....I really think that's going to take the whole 90 min. I have visions of a great first day lesson complete with the "first day homework", but I don't think I'll get anywhere near it. I'll have it ready, but I don't think it will happen until day 2 (which is actually day 1 with "B" day, so I guess they'll think I'm strict).

I'm finding myself questioning a LOT of what I planned to do. I had a wierd moment where I almost didn't print up my rules/consequences to send home and get signed. I feel a little sense of shame for being so "by the book". My administrators and coteachers are great, but I can tell they all see me as young and naive. My mentor told me that she was talking to the assistant principal (the one who will be observing me teach this year) and mentioned that she was going to help me write all my kids names on my desks (her suggestion) and he said, "Isn't that a little 'Harry Wong'?" Hmmmm...that made me question myself. My mentor did stick up for me though and actually said, (direct quote) "Well, we don't have penises." Meaning that we have to control the classroom because we're not big black ex-coaches who can intimidate a child by looking at them. Anyway, I'm trying to shake the wierd nervous being-judged feeling. My mentor is really supportive, but did kinda make a funny face when she saw my marble jars....

First Days of School

So....the kids will be there on Monday. I feel SO not yet ready. I'm going up to the school tomorrow to try and write some lesson plans. I don't have to turn them in, but I also don't want to be standing up there without a plan on the first day. I have a vague plan in my head, but I need it on paper in Monroe format.

The district adopted this wierd Madeline Hunter Lesson Plan thing (I blogged about it before). Her theories seem cool and make sense....the little boxes on the paper that I have to fit my ideas into don't. I think basically I'll be writing my lesson plans the way I always have and then writing them into the boxes somewhat haphazardly. Maybe one day I'll figure out how to think in those boxes, but it won't be tomorrow.

I found these awesome posters in my room. They're black and white apple advertisements that have pictures of historical figures and say "Think Different". I've got Gandi, Amelia Earhart, Lennon and Yoko Ono, Einstein, and one other one I can't remember right now. I got online to see if maybe I could request some free ones from apple, since I'm a teacher and all and they're just publicity photos....instead I found this: http://http://redlightrunner.stores.yahoo.net/rarthinpos.html. Apparently, these things are discontinued and ONE poster is worth about $300. Everyone I've mentioned this to has basically said, "Get them off of your walls." But I just don't really care. They're laminated and kinda dirty and wrinkly and probably not worth that much. Honestly, I think my kids knowing who Gandi is is worth $300....of course, I won't be purchasing anymore, though. I also don't think anyone else knows what they're worth, so they're not going anywhere....

My coworkers at school are great. My department is great. Nothing really to complain about, except being overwhelmed. Apparently my school is definitely #2 in the district and possibly moving up to #1 (A certain high school that used to be the level 5 had FOURTEEN failures on their history test, we had 3). I feel a strange sense of pride in that, even though I wasn't even there yet when they took the test.