When I watched my videotape, the first thing that struck me was that the classroom was fairly well under control. When I'm up there teaching and the smallest thing goes wrong, I feel like the whole room is disintegrating into chaos, but in the video...everything was really ok.
I was busy messing with the camera and writing the "do now" on the board, so I didn't see 2-3 kids run into the classroom. It wasn't an issue, but it could have been. I need to spend more time in the hall during breaks (the kids are usually back in the room before I even finish putting the do now up).
The most striking things were how I move and talk. Now I see the Ann Monroe resemblence. I sound a lot more southern though and say things like "might could"....I can't believe I talk like that! I also have wierd nervous habits like swinging my hair around and playing with the dry erase marker caps. I've been trying to quit that since I saw the video.
Overall, the video was a lot less painful than I expected and actually made me feel a little bit better!
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Paper Folds/Group Work
I actually used the paper folds and groupwork this week. I was a little worried about the groupwork part, because basically I was only putting them into groups to share supplies. I imagined complete chaos would ensue, but it actually worked out pretty well.
During first period when I taught, I ran out of proceedures with about 10-15 min left in the period, so I reviewed for a while and then spent some time discussing the afternoon activity. I explained to the students that I had brought my own art supplies from home and that they weren't just crayons and markers, because I know they're old enough to handle nicer supplies (really, I just didn't want to drive to walmart and buy anything else...but they didn't need to know that). We went over group proceedures and I warned them that in order to do something fun during 4th period, I needed to see that they were well behaved. Otherwise, I'd just give them a worksheet.
They were like little angels all day :) The first few minutes of my lesson, after the set, we played charades. It was so much fun!! We had learned some adjectives in French the day before, so I put some different adjectives on slips of paper and kids volunteered to act them out. When the class knew the answer they had to raise their hand and then tell me "He is ______." in French when I called on them. It was a lot of fun, and the best part was that the class clowns really got to shine (without getting in trouble). One quiet guy from the front of the class, "Mr. T" volunteered to act something out. He's really quiet, looks about 18 years old, has gold teeth, baggy pants, etc. Basically, he looks like a thug. He happened to draw "young" as his adjective. He mimed playing basketball, but the class wasn't getting it. I asked him if he wanted to choose a partner from the class. He chose X, the other "thug" in the class (the only kid in our class who's had an office referral, but is really sweet underneath it all) and they had a little conference, and then both of them got down on their knees in front of my class and played patty-cake! It was the cutest thing I've ever seen! I wish I had had my camera out!! There were some other cute ones, and for the last one I let all three volunteers act it out together and they actually coreographed a scene.
Anyway, back to the topic at hand, after this, we went over groupwork proceedures and I reminded them that they are supposed to "respect their teacher" which includes not breaking my art supplies and we talked about how to ask someone politely for one of the supplies. We folded our paper and I told them to glue it when they got into groups. I went over the assignment and showed them my "self portrait". Then I assigned them groups. I had moved 2 boys earlier "to make it easier to get into groups", and managed to keep trouble away from 4/5 groups. The fifth group wasn't even that bad... I also assigned a group leader for each group, who was the only group member allowed to raise her hand if they needed something. I was trying to promote cooperation (when we did groups before, they wouldn't ask their partners for help!) and I think it worked fairly well, except X didn't get along with his group leader. At least it was a growing experience (I hope).
Basically, they loved the opportunity to be artistic and do something different. It gave different kids a chance to excel (the girl who has trouble reading was the best at using the scrapbooking scissors and helped everyone in her group with them), and I hope it taught them a little bit about cooperation. The classroom didn't burn down (which is what I expect every time I do groupwork) and the worst that happened was someone banging a bag of pencils onto someone elses desk (at which point I threatened to take the pencils away, and they straightened up). Overall it was a success, less stressful than I imagined and fun for the kids!
During first period when I taught, I ran out of proceedures with about 10-15 min left in the period, so I reviewed for a while and then spent some time discussing the afternoon activity. I explained to the students that I had brought my own art supplies from home and that they weren't just crayons and markers, because I know they're old enough to handle nicer supplies (really, I just didn't want to drive to walmart and buy anything else...but they didn't need to know that). We went over group proceedures and I warned them that in order to do something fun during 4th period, I needed to see that they were well behaved. Otherwise, I'd just give them a worksheet.
They were like little angels all day :) The first few minutes of my lesson, after the set, we played charades. It was so much fun!! We had learned some adjectives in French the day before, so I put some different adjectives on slips of paper and kids volunteered to act them out. When the class knew the answer they had to raise their hand and then tell me "He is ______." in French when I called on them. It was a lot of fun, and the best part was that the class clowns really got to shine (without getting in trouble). One quiet guy from the front of the class, "Mr. T" volunteered to act something out. He's really quiet, looks about 18 years old, has gold teeth, baggy pants, etc. Basically, he looks like a thug. He happened to draw "young" as his adjective. He mimed playing basketball, but the class wasn't getting it. I asked him if he wanted to choose a partner from the class. He chose X, the other "thug" in the class (the only kid in our class who's had an office referral, but is really sweet underneath it all) and they had a little conference, and then both of them got down on their knees in front of my class and played patty-cake! It was the cutest thing I've ever seen! I wish I had had my camera out!! There were some other cute ones, and for the last one I let all three volunteers act it out together and they actually coreographed a scene.
Anyway, back to the topic at hand, after this, we went over groupwork proceedures and I reminded them that they are supposed to "respect their teacher" which includes not breaking my art supplies and we talked about how to ask someone politely for one of the supplies. We folded our paper and I told them to glue it when they got into groups. I went over the assignment and showed them my "self portrait". Then I assigned them groups. I had moved 2 boys earlier "to make it easier to get into groups", and managed to keep trouble away from 4/5 groups. The fifth group wasn't even that bad... I also assigned a group leader for each group, who was the only group member allowed to raise her hand if they needed something. I was trying to promote cooperation (when we did groups before, they wouldn't ask their partners for help!) and I think it worked fairly well, except X didn't get along with his group leader. At least it was a growing experience (I hope).
Basically, they loved the opportunity to be artistic and do something different. It gave different kids a chance to excel (the girl who has trouble reading was the best at using the scrapbooking scissors and helped everyone in her group with them), and I hope it taught them a little bit about cooperation. The classroom didn't burn down (which is what I expect every time I do groupwork) and the worst that happened was someone banging a bag of pencils onto someone elses desk (at which point I threatened to take the pencils away, and they straightened up). Overall it was a success, less stressful than I imagined and fun for the kids!
Monday, June 19, 2006
Community Integration
I've been thinking about the lack of discussion about MTC teachers integrating into their local communities, and how I think that affects our success as teachers. I think what we haven't really acknowledged is that many of us (including administrators, 1st, and 2nd years) have a somewhat hidden motive for being a part of this program.
Usually, we discuss the program as if our entire purpose for being here is to teach in Mississippi for 2 years and change the lives of x amount of children who come through our classroom; but, I think there is a strong unvoiced belief that we are/should be doing more than that. I feel like we all came down here to help make education in Mississippi better, and I feel like we all have broader goals than just what happens in our classrooms, whether we discuss them or not. You can see it with the after-school activities that people start which they obviously hope will continue after they leave and make the school a better place. You can see it with all the discussions of race-relations in Mississippi and education and different efforts people have made to address that in their schools. In community development work you call this "sustainable development". It basically means that you are affecting change for the better that will last even after you are gone.
I assume the reason we don't discuss this is because it would send the wrong message to the schools we go into. It gives the connotation that we are here to change the school or overthrow the administration. I imagine it would cause schools to think twice about inviting MTC teachers into their schools. And I don't believe that it is necessarily something we are qualified to do, on any kind of formal level, for reasons I'll discuss below; but I do think that this lack of acknowledgement is leading to MTC teachers dealing with some sustainable development issues in the wrong way.
The larger problem is that we come in as outsiders and start trying to do new/better/different things. I had a lot of training on integrating into a foreign culture when I was in the Peace Corps and the basic idea behind all of it is to listen, watch, and wait. Don't try to change a system until you understand how it works (and you'll never fully understand how it works). Until you can honestly say you see things from the "local" viewpoint, you'll never affect any change, and they won't want you to. I know it's an extreme example, but when I arrived in my small town in the Philippines, I thought a lot of things needed to be changed/fixed. After 3-6 months, I started to realize that what I thought was broken when I first arrived, wasn't even really an issue, and other problems were much more pressing. In actuality, what they teach you in community development is that you should NEVER decide what or how to change a community, you should only facilitate community members themselves making that decision and affecting change.
The finer point on this problem is what I see as MTC elitism. Maybe my first impressions are wrong, but it seems that MTC teachers spend more time hanging out with each other, than hanging out with teachers from their school. We talk a lot about being nice to the secretaries, etc., but the truth of the matter is, if all you do is bring them cookies and say hi in the hall, you're still the outsider. You may be the nice outsider, but you're an outsider. You have to actually develop friendships, and you have to want to develop these friendships, beyond being at the football games and school functions. I haven't heard a single second year or MTC alum mention a teacher/coworker/administrator with whom they had a personal friendship or for whom they had professional respect. I feel like the tone of conversations related to the staff/teachers/administrators of the schools is condescending, as if we are all better than them. We're not. We're just different, and different isn't necessarily better.
I hope this doesn't come across as bitter or critical...it's just something I've been thinking about as I relate this experience to my previous ones. And trust me, I do understand the importance of hanging out with MTC people because we share the same experiences and I do understand the importance of venting about coworkers...I just wanted to highlight that this kind of attitude may really hamper a lot of us in our efforts to start new programs/clubs/whatever and ultimately, even in our classrooms.
Usually, we discuss the program as if our entire purpose for being here is to teach in Mississippi for 2 years and change the lives of x amount of children who come through our classroom; but, I think there is a strong unvoiced belief that we are/should be doing more than that. I feel like we all came down here to help make education in Mississippi better, and I feel like we all have broader goals than just what happens in our classrooms, whether we discuss them or not. You can see it with the after-school activities that people start which they obviously hope will continue after they leave and make the school a better place. You can see it with all the discussions of race-relations in Mississippi and education and different efforts people have made to address that in their schools. In community development work you call this "sustainable development". It basically means that you are affecting change for the better that will last even after you are gone.
I assume the reason we don't discuss this is because it would send the wrong message to the schools we go into. It gives the connotation that we are here to change the school or overthrow the administration. I imagine it would cause schools to think twice about inviting MTC teachers into their schools. And I don't believe that it is necessarily something we are qualified to do, on any kind of formal level, for reasons I'll discuss below; but I do think that this lack of acknowledgement is leading to MTC teachers dealing with some sustainable development issues in the wrong way.
The larger problem is that we come in as outsiders and start trying to do new/better/different things. I had a lot of training on integrating into a foreign culture when I was in the Peace Corps and the basic idea behind all of it is to listen, watch, and wait. Don't try to change a system until you understand how it works (and you'll never fully understand how it works). Until you can honestly say you see things from the "local" viewpoint, you'll never affect any change, and they won't want you to. I know it's an extreme example, but when I arrived in my small town in the Philippines, I thought a lot of things needed to be changed/fixed. After 3-6 months, I started to realize that what I thought was broken when I first arrived, wasn't even really an issue, and other problems were much more pressing. In actuality, what they teach you in community development is that you should NEVER decide what or how to change a community, you should only facilitate community members themselves making that decision and affecting change.
The finer point on this problem is what I see as MTC elitism. Maybe my first impressions are wrong, but it seems that MTC teachers spend more time hanging out with each other, than hanging out with teachers from their school. We talk a lot about being nice to the secretaries, etc., but the truth of the matter is, if all you do is bring them cookies and say hi in the hall, you're still the outsider. You may be the nice outsider, but you're an outsider. You have to actually develop friendships, and you have to want to develop these friendships, beyond being at the football games and school functions. I haven't heard a single second year or MTC alum mention a teacher/coworker/administrator with whom they had a personal friendship or for whom they had professional respect. I feel like the tone of conversations related to the staff/teachers/administrators of the schools is condescending, as if we are all better than them. We're not. We're just different, and different isn't necessarily better.
I hope this doesn't come across as bitter or critical...it's just something I've been thinking about as I relate this experience to my previous ones. And trust me, I do understand the importance of hanging out with MTC people because we share the same experiences and I do understand the importance of venting about coworkers...I just wanted to highlight that this kind of attitude may really hamper a lot of us in our efforts to start new programs/clubs/whatever and ultimately, even in our classrooms.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Fading Confidence
I feel like each day that I stand up in front of the class, I do a worse job than the day before. I'm sure that's a pretty warped perception, because my first day probably wasn't all that great, but the more I think about trying to fix the mistakes I made the day before, the more likely I am to make different mistakes.
On the plus side, I finally seem to have learned to close the door when the bell rings and turn of the lights when I use the overhead. Those seem so silly and obvious, but it took me 3-4 lessons to remember them. I still have trouble with using the overhead though. It seems like everytime I use it the kids can't see it. Either it's down too low, or whatever I've put on it is too small. The down too low thing I can fix if I realize it while I'm up there (which sometimes I don't) and it also creates a discipline problem when kids will yell out that it's down too low and then I have to give them a warning for talking out of turn, when really they're trying to help me out. The too small thing is just not something I understand. When I look at the overhead, it looks fine on the screen, even from the back of the room, but the kids can't see it and my second years have commented on it being too small.... It's not that big of a deal, I can write bigger on the transparency and life will be fine...but why is my judgement so far off? Why can't I see what they see?
It's wierd, silly stuff like that that drains my confidence. Also, having 4 other adults in the room isn't very comforting either. If I mispronounce a word in a French lesson, I have 3 other people in the room who know it. If I make an English mistake, I have 4 other people who know it. If I make a teaching mistake, I have 4 other people in my room plus anyone who happens to be observing. I can fool the kids into thinking I'm omnipotent, but I know I have to look the adults in the eye after class and discuss every mistake I've made.
I'm sure I'm fine. I'm sure I'm being too hard on myself, but I feel really overwhelmed and not very sucessful at this. My videotaped lesson has been sitting at home since Friday, because I'm afraid to watch it.
My consolation through all of this is that it may pass. I remember when I arrived in the Philippines and wanted nothing more than to get back on that plane and come home, but I stuck it out, and I loved it. I'm hoping that these are just growing pains, that one day I will wake up and MTC will be fun and I will feel competent. I'm also hoping that day will be tomorrow :)
On the plus side, I finally seem to have learned to close the door when the bell rings and turn of the lights when I use the overhead. Those seem so silly and obvious, but it took me 3-4 lessons to remember them. I still have trouble with using the overhead though. It seems like everytime I use it the kids can't see it. Either it's down too low, or whatever I've put on it is too small. The down too low thing I can fix if I realize it while I'm up there (which sometimes I don't) and it also creates a discipline problem when kids will yell out that it's down too low and then I have to give them a warning for talking out of turn, when really they're trying to help me out. The too small thing is just not something I understand. When I look at the overhead, it looks fine on the screen, even from the back of the room, but the kids can't see it and my second years have commented on it being too small.... It's not that big of a deal, I can write bigger on the transparency and life will be fine...but why is my judgement so far off? Why can't I see what they see?
It's wierd, silly stuff like that that drains my confidence. Also, having 4 other adults in the room isn't very comforting either. If I mispronounce a word in a French lesson, I have 3 other people in the room who know it. If I make an English mistake, I have 4 other people who know it. If I make a teaching mistake, I have 4 other people in my room plus anyone who happens to be observing. I can fool the kids into thinking I'm omnipotent, but I know I have to look the adults in the eye after class and discuss every mistake I've made.
I'm sure I'm fine. I'm sure I'm being too hard on myself, but I feel really overwhelmed and not very sucessful at this. My videotaped lesson has been sitting at home since Friday, because I'm afraid to watch it.
My consolation through all of this is that it may pass. I remember when I arrived in the Philippines and wanted nothing more than to get back on that plane and come home, but I stuck it out, and I loved it. I'm hoping that these are just growing pains, that one day I will wake up and MTC will be fun and I will feel competent. I'm also hoping that day will be tomorrow :)
Cold Calling
I used the cold-calling technique we discussed in class this week. I wrote each student's name on half an index card and used them to call on kids during class. It worked pretty well. All the students were attentive and well behaved. I'm sure I'll use it again, but there were a few drawbacks that I need to figure out.
First of all, I couldn't figure out where to put the cards. Half the class I carried them around in my hand, but then I'd need to hand out papers or do something with both hands and I'd set them down. My classroom doesn't have a podium, so I'd set them on a table to the side or the overhead cart. Then I'd walk around the room while I talked and find myself having to run back to the front everytime I wanted to ask a question. I felt like it disrupted the flow of my lesson, but maybe I just need more practice.
The second problem I had was the cards sticking together. Maybe it was because I cut them in half and the edges were a little rough, but it took me a couple seconds to grab each one. Then I'd have to stick it back in the stack, which also took time, since I was trying to stick them in the middle. I would mostly continue talking while I tried to get the card back into the stack, but I felt like more of my attention was on the silly index cards than what I was saying. Again, I probably just need more practice to make this work.
I think next time I use it, I'll try something different, like popsicle sticks or laminated cards (maybe they won't stick as much). I'm thinking about doing it kind of backwards tomorrow while I review with the kids for their test by having the review questions in a basket and each student draws one to answer. I figure that way, I don't have to worry about drawing the cards and putting them back.
First of all, I couldn't figure out where to put the cards. Half the class I carried them around in my hand, but then I'd need to hand out papers or do something with both hands and I'd set them down. My classroom doesn't have a podium, so I'd set them on a table to the side or the overhead cart. Then I'd walk around the room while I talked and find myself having to run back to the front everytime I wanted to ask a question. I felt like it disrupted the flow of my lesson, but maybe I just need more practice.
The second problem I had was the cards sticking together. Maybe it was because I cut them in half and the edges were a little rough, but it took me a couple seconds to grab each one. Then I'd have to stick it back in the stack, which also took time, since I was trying to stick them in the middle. I would mostly continue talking while I tried to get the card back into the stack, but I felt like more of my attention was on the silly index cards than what I was saying. Again, I probably just need more practice to make this work.
I think next time I use it, I'll try something different, like popsicle sticks or laminated cards (maybe they won't stick as much). I'm thinking about doing it kind of backwards tomorrow while I review with the kids for their test by having the review questions in a basket and each student draws one to answer. I figure that way, I don't have to worry about drawing the cards and putting them back.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Focus Paper Response
I read a few of the focus papers on the website, but finally decided to respond to Evan Couzo's paper on Charter Schools: http://www.olemiss.edu/programs/mtc/docs/Focus%20Papers/2005/Couzo%20P.pdf
My initial reaction to Evan's description of charter schools was that they are the miracle we've all been looking for. They eliminate most of the administrative problems that we've all heard so much griping about and seem to provide more opportunites for curriculum flexibility and teacher freedom. I thought it was really striking that in areas which had a charter school, not only were the charter school's scores higher, but the public schools test scores also went up because they had competition. He also discussed the fact that charter schools give options to kids in the poorest school districts, who are often the ones who get overlooked by innovations in education. All of these points create a wonderful picture of the possibilities of future education, but I think there are some issues which were not addressed.
After my initial excitement settled down, I started thinking about practical realities in Mississippi. Granted, Evan's paper wasn't really focused on the situation here in Mississippi, but for the obvious reasons, my thoughts as I was reading it centered here. This is a state that took 16 years to comply with the bare minimum requirements set forth in Brown vs. Board of Education. How long would it take to adopt an entirely new concept of public education? The biggest hurdle would involve manuevering around the politicians, school board members, and administrators who all have a significant interest in keeping the system the way it is. Administrators and school boards would want to avoid any competition that could threaten their positions. Politicians would have pressure from those same administrators and boards, and also from the electorate, who is generally unforgiving of "radical" ideas. Maybe I'm mistaken in my assessment of the situation, but I don't see charter schools as a solution to education in Mississippi in the near future.
Another broader arguement against the concept of charter schools would be that it focuses too much on competativeness. The major indicators schools have of sucesses or failures are test scores. If school start competing with one another, even more focus would be placed on test scores as an indicator of which is the "better" school, and in-fact, test scores were used in the very studies that proved that charter schools were successful. I know test scores are a complicated issue and that they are one of the few objective indicators of how much students are learning, but I wonder if schools competing is a good idea simply because it would encourage the competitors to produce scores, statistics, and other objective indicators that they are the "best" school. I wonder if in the end, charter schools would push for higher test scores, put pressure on administrators and teachers to improve performance, and end up "teaching to the test" much the same way many school districts do now. I agree that charter schools seem to hold many immediate benefits, but I wonder if the long-term effects have been thoroughly examined.
My initial reaction to Evan's description of charter schools was that they are the miracle we've all been looking for. They eliminate most of the administrative problems that we've all heard so much griping about and seem to provide more opportunites for curriculum flexibility and teacher freedom. I thought it was really striking that in areas which had a charter school, not only were the charter school's scores higher, but the public schools test scores also went up because they had competition. He also discussed the fact that charter schools give options to kids in the poorest school districts, who are often the ones who get overlooked by innovations in education. All of these points create a wonderful picture of the possibilities of future education, but I think there are some issues which were not addressed.
After my initial excitement settled down, I started thinking about practical realities in Mississippi. Granted, Evan's paper wasn't really focused on the situation here in Mississippi, but for the obvious reasons, my thoughts as I was reading it centered here. This is a state that took 16 years to comply with the bare minimum requirements set forth in Brown vs. Board of Education. How long would it take to adopt an entirely new concept of public education? The biggest hurdle would involve manuevering around the politicians, school board members, and administrators who all have a significant interest in keeping the system the way it is. Administrators and school boards would want to avoid any competition that could threaten their positions. Politicians would have pressure from those same administrators and boards, and also from the electorate, who is generally unforgiving of "radical" ideas. Maybe I'm mistaken in my assessment of the situation, but I don't see charter schools as a solution to education in Mississippi in the near future.
Another broader arguement against the concept of charter schools would be that it focuses too much on competativeness. The major indicators schools have of sucesses or failures are test scores. If school start competing with one another, even more focus would be placed on test scores as an indicator of which is the "better" school, and in-fact, test scores were used in the very studies that proved that charter schools were successful. I know test scores are a complicated issue and that they are one of the few objective indicators of how much students are learning, but I wonder if schools competing is a good idea simply because it would encourage the competitors to produce scores, statistics, and other objective indicators that they are the "best" school. I wonder if in the end, charter schools would push for higher test scores, put pressure on administrators and teachers to improve performance, and end up "teaching to the test" much the same way many school districts do now. I agree that charter schools seem to hold many immediate benefits, but I wonder if the long-term effects have been thoroughly examined.
Exhaustion
The first few weeks are hard. Early mornings and late afternoons (into evening)...it's hard to teach all morning and then go to class and still have lesson plans and preparations when you get out. I'm just hoping all this work will pay off in September when I'll have a few useful lesson plans and some experience to make it all a little easier. And it's also hard to make the distinction between doing enough preparation to be a good teacher, a great teacher, or an obsessive teacher with no life outside of school.
I think it's probably hard for all of us, because we want to do our best for the students and we're all overachievers.....I just hope I learn where to make the distinction.
On a more positive note, I absolutely LOVE working with the students. They are all such great kids with unique talents and abilities. I really feel like it's such a wonderful opportunity to get to work with them. I guess maybe that's what makes it hard to rest. I want to give them the best I possibly can, because I feel like they deserve it.
Teaching today went better than I anticipated, although I do feel like I was focused more on myself and details like my lesson plan and how to work the overhead projector instead of the students. I feel like maybe I wasn't as receptive to their needs as I should have been...or as flexible with my plans as I should have been. I'm hoping maybe that's a skill that comes with practice.
I'm looking forward to teaching tomorrow because it was wonderful to be up there in front of the class and maybe I'll have the opportunity to do a little bit better this time. But I'm also looking forward to not having to teach again after that until Monday because I'm tired! How do you do it 5 days a week?
I think it's probably hard for all of us, because we want to do our best for the students and we're all overachievers.....I just hope I learn where to make the distinction.
On a more positive note, I absolutely LOVE working with the students. They are all such great kids with unique talents and abilities. I really feel like it's such a wonderful opportunity to get to work with them. I guess maybe that's what makes it hard to rest. I want to give them the best I possibly can, because I feel like they deserve it.
Teaching today went better than I anticipated, although I do feel like I was focused more on myself and details like my lesson plan and how to work the overhead projector instead of the students. I feel like maybe I wasn't as receptive to their needs as I should have been...or as flexible with my plans as I should have been. I'm hoping maybe that's a skill that comes with practice.
I'm looking forward to teaching tomorrow because it was wonderful to be up there in front of the class and maybe I'll have the opportunity to do a little bit better this time. But I'm also looking forward to not having to teach again after that until Monday because I'm tired! How do you do it 5 days a week?
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Sweet Home....Mississippi
I've always had a love-hate relationship with the south. I blame the south for most of my shortcomings...but I also have her to thank for most of my sucesses. In the ignorance of youth I swore that I would abandon the south as soon as I turned 18 and never return. But after three years overseas, I realized that this is where my roots are. Despite everything, I'm a southern girl, through and through. So I picked up my life and moved to Mississippi to change the world :)
Everyone who knows me gives me a hard time for moving to Mississippi. On every national test where Mississippi is 49th, Alabama is 48th...Out of all the 50 states I chose one even more "backwards" than Alabama. But it does feel like home. No matter how much I tried to erase my southern upbringing, I still feel my heart racing at the mention of SEC football. I crave chicken and dumplin's and fried okra. I pull out my country CDs when I'm in the car alone. And more or less, I get the people.
Southern women have a culture completely unto themselves. A southern woman will never leave the house without lipstick, knows how to make sweet tea from scratch, and will NEVER confront you directly. Someone mentioned to me yesterday how passive agressive that seems, and it is, but it's more than that. Southern women are raised not to cause problems, to be the ultimate hostess/mother, to never make anyone uncomfortable...it leads to a lot of smiling in front of you and stabbing you in the back when you leave. But I don't think it's intentional...we don't know how to confront someone (it took me 21 years and 4 years of therapy to "deprogram" the fear of making someone else uncomfortable)...so emotions come out in funny ways. But in the end, southern women are just mothers/wives/hostesses who are trying to live up to unreasonable expectations and doing the best they can.
My mother was raised to be the ultimate southern lady. Her father was in the military and when they moved back to his family's farm in 6th grade, school integration had just started. Much like Mississippi, in South Carolina, the whites fled to private schools. By the time my mother reached high school, she was the only white student in the entire school. She was miserable, she was bullied, and she was predjudiced for years because of that experience. Her father insisted that he was not going to pay for private school when there was a perfectly good public school for free. I've always wondered if he did it to make a stand against segregation, or if he was just stubborn. I could see him doing it for both reasons. The farm they lived on had been in his family for generations and seems to be a lot like the Delta. They grew cotton, peaches, and pecans, although by the time I was in middle school, they were living on retirement and didn't really depend on it to make a living. They had a housekeeper Vera, who lived just on the other side of the farm. Her family had worked for them for generations, originally as slaves, and eventually for some paltry sum of money that my grandmother handed out each week after she cleaned up whatever messes we had made. I guess I'm making it sound worse than it is...my grandmother didn't pay her less because she was black, she paid her less because that's what she had paid for years. And I guess Vera didn't come clean the house because she was black, she came because that's what her mother had done before her, and her mother's mother before that.
I do remember around 1995 though when Vera finally got indoor plumbing. They invited us over to see the toilet. It was the first time that I'd ever been to her house and there were kids everywhere. Two of her kids and their kids lived with her. They had a small kitchen and a bedroom that also served as a living room and just off to the side, the bathroom. I think some church group had built it for them and we stood there and ooohed and aaahhhed as they flushed the toilet. I think that may have been my first realization that even though they lived just down the street, their life was so completely different from mine, it could have been another country.
And that's what I worry about here...I know white southern culture....unfortunately, I'm not as familiar with black culture. I went to a suburban public school where we bussed in "the blacks" so we'd have enough to recieve federal funding. Luckily, my elementary school years weren't as isolated, but 7 years in that kind of environment really changed my perspective. I had grown up to believe that everyone was equal and had had a lot of great close friends of all different ethnic groups when I was in elementary school, but I guess it's easier to be ignorant of racial issues when your young. I will never forget visiting a friend at Tufts University in Boston during my freshman year of college and being absolutely shocked that they had black people in their fraternity(Auburn, and I think most southern schools, have seperate black and white fraternities). Later that night I was so ashamed of myself for thinking that and began to hate some of the things the south had done to my mind.
So I guess I'm coming at this from a mixed position. I know I understand the south, but my south may be completely different from what my students know. Also, I tend to be appalled by these things, whereas most southerners, black and white, think that's the way it's always been, it's the way it should be, and think I'm crazy for wanting to change it. All I can hope is that I'll do the best I know how and hopefully grow personally as I try to figure out my place here.
Everyone who knows me gives me a hard time for moving to Mississippi. On every national test where Mississippi is 49th, Alabama is 48th...Out of all the 50 states I chose one even more "backwards" than Alabama. But it does feel like home. No matter how much I tried to erase my southern upbringing, I still feel my heart racing at the mention of SEC football. I crave chicken and dumplin's and fried okra. I pull out my country CDs when I'm in the car alone. And more or less, I get the people.
Southern women have a culture completely unto themselves. A southern woman will never leave the house without lipstick, knows how to make sweet tea from scratch, and will NEVER confront you directly. Someone mentioned to me yesterday how passive agressive that seems, and it is, but it's more than that. Southern women are raised not to cause problems, to be the ultimate hostess/mother, to never make anyone uncomfortable...it leads to a lot of smiling in front of you and stabbing you in the back when you leave. But I don't think it's intentional...we don't know how to confront someone (it took me 21 years and 4 years of therapy to "deprogram" the fear of making someone else uncomfortable)...so emotions come out in funny ways. But in the end, southern women are just mothers/wives/hostesses who are trying to live up to unreasonable expectations and doing the best they can.
My mother was raised to be the ultimate southern lady. Her father was in the military and when they moved back to his family's farm in 6th grade, school integration had just started. Much like Mississippi, in South Carolina, the whites fled to private schools. By the time my mother reached high school, she was the only white student in the entire school. She was miserable, she was bullied, and she was predjudiced for years because of that experience. Her father insisted that he was not going to pay for private school when there was a perfectly good public school for free. I've always wondered if he did it to make a stand against segregation, or if he was just stubborn. I could see him doing it for both reasons. The farm they lived on had been in his family for generations and seems to be a lot like the Delta. They grew cotton, peaches, and pecans, although by the time I was in middle school, they were living on retirement and didn't really depend on it to make a living. They had a housekeeper Vera, who lived just on the other side of the farm. Her family had worked for them for generations, originally as slaves, and eventually for some paltry sum of money that my grandmother handed out each week after she cleaned up whatever messes we had made. I guess I'm making it sound worse than it is...my grandmother didn't pay her less because she was black, she paid her less because that's what she had paid for years. And I guess Vera didn't come clean the house because she was black, she came because that's what her mother had done before her, and her mother's mother before that.
I do remember around 1995 though when Vera finally got indoor plumbing. They invited us over to see the toilet. It was the first time that I'd ever been to her house and there were kids everywhere. Two of her kids and their kids lived with her. They had a small kitchen and a bedroom that also served as a living room and just off to the side, the bathroom. I think some church group had built it for them and we stood there and ooohed and aaahhhed as they flushed the toilet. I think that may have been my first realization that even though they lived just down the street, their life was so completely different from mine, it could have been another country.
And that's what I worry about here...I know white southern culture....unfortunately, I'm not as familiar with black culture. I went to a suburban public school where we bussed in "the blacks" so we'd have enough to recieve federal funding. Luckily, my elementary school years weren't as isolated, but 7 years in that kind of environment really changed my perspective. I had grown up to believe that everyone was equal and had had a lot of great close friends of all different ethnic groups when I was in elementary school, but I guess it's easier to be ignorant of racial issues when your young. I will never forget visiting a friend at Tufts University in Boston during my freshman year of college and being absolutely shocked that they had black people in their fraternity(Auburn, and I think most southern schools, have seperate black and white fraternities). Later that night I was so ashamed of myself for thinking that and began to hate some of the things the south had done to my mind.
So I guess I'm coming at this from a mixed position. I know I understand the south, but my south may be completely different from what my students know. Also, I tend to be appalled by these things, whereas most southerners, black and white, think that's the way it's always been, it's the way it should be, and think I'm crazy for wanting to change it. All I can hope is that I'll do the best I know how and hopefully grow personally as I try to figure out my place here.
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